A Confession

At this point in time, I think I would rather study a degree I’m passionate about than study in UP.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I do not regret being in this university. This has always been a dream come true. UP, to me, is a life-changer. I learned a lot of things, may it be academic or experiential, which I know in my heart that the other universities could not offer.

However, there is one thing that I regret–I pursued a degree that I am not passionate about; a degree that I never imagined myself working on for the rest of my life.

You might ask, why did I even put this degree in my application form if I’m not passionate about it then?

Well my 4th year HS adviser has encouraged me to do so. He said I can pursue med or become a researcher. Since I’m left with no choice (because the degree programs I would want to take are all in UPD), I just wrote it out.

UP is the only university I took an exam for amongst the Big 4. I passed other local/non-UP universities with the degree program I like. I already assumed that I’ll fail the UPCAT and that’s completely okay to me. Well, I failed to enter in UPD yet there’s UPLB. And that is where everything started.

My mom encouraged me to pursue studying in UPLB. I agreed, thinking that I might gradually learn to love the degree along the way. 2 years had passed, my grades are okay. Tamang pasa lang. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, dalawang taon pa. Dalawang taon na lang…

Well, that was until majors happened. Learning is fun. It is what I enjoy the most in this degree (and I think in every degree naman). However, exams are not. I struggle every time I’m trying to find the motivation to study. As a result, I found myself failing every exam in literally ALL my major subjects. When my friends ask me about my score, I’ll say I passed or fail pero konti lang ang babawiin when in reality mas marami pa yatang naging syota si Rizal kaysa sa score ko.

I tried to share this to my mom and this is the first time that I opened something very personal to her since hindi naman kami nagkakasama lagi. I thank her for not putting pressure on me. Hiling lang niya gumaduate ako on time. But then when I told her na nanganganib talaga ako as in, the only response I got was: “Kaya mo yan, God bless”.

At this point in time as well, I think a simple “kaya mo yan” won’t keep me going. I was expecting a mas malaman na words of encouragement from her. I badly need a mother right now.

I wanna drop out of college and start again, this time with the degree that I know I would love and enjoy doing. But I don’t think that this will be the wisest move right now.

Gusto ko ring pumunta sa guidance counselors ng university, or even sa psychologist because I think my mental and emotional health is very unhealthy. Yet, I’m too shy.

They said passion is about enjoying the pain. But I do not find this pain enjoyable at all

And oh, and you do not need to reply. I just want someone…preferably a stranger…like you, to know.

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