A Useless Friend in Me

On the 30th of March, I received one of the most heartbreaking news ever–my best friend lost her father from lung cancer.

I knew what I felt. I felt sorry. It was genuine. However, I did not know what to say to her.

Comforting is not my thing, to be honest. And the fact that my friend and I are kilometers away from each other made the situation even worse. It is really hard comforting someone without any physical affection, well, for me. Nevertheless, I did the best I could. I told her that I am here for her. I told her that if she feels like breaking out, do so.

Three days after our text conversation, I am not able to communicate with her again. I always wanted to check her up. I always wanted to text her from time to time. I am not a “call” type of person and verbal conversations always get the nerve out of me, yet I always wanted to call her every now and then. However, the social awkwardness that I possess always prevails.

I am so scared. I am so afraid. Whenever she tells me something, I do not know what to say next. I am scared that I might say something that might hurt her feelings even more. Whenever she tells stories, I’m afraid that I might not give her the opinion she likes. I almost always respond late because I think deeply about my reply, and then ending up not sending her anyway either because I was distracted by another work or simply because…I just don’t know what to say.

By doing so however, I feel very very useless. I wish everyday that her other friends could probably just fill it up for me. That her friends are thoughtful enough to meet my shortcomings.

I still hope that she will not get the wrong impression (although I can’t blame her if she does). I am genuinely sorry for her loss. Her father has been good to me, and all I can wish is the peacefulness of his soul. I might not be as expressive as the other people but there’s not a day that I did not yearn for my best friend’s happiness and strength in going all through this, and that I am genuine that I am here for her and would hug her the minute we see each other.

Hello, best friend! I just wanted to say that I am so sorry…I am sorry for the loss of your father, and for the useless friend in me.